Praise The Lord!!! My fluid was up and I am home again! One more day at home, one more day in the hospital, and then the "big day"! I'm so excited and nervous at the same time!!!! I'm so looking forward to meeting this special little guy that has rocked my world - already! It's so sad to me that the joy and celebration of "new life" is surrounded by such a hard time. I KNOW it will all be worth it in the end! And I would do it all again - even if I knew it was going to be this hard!
I've been thinking a lot the last several days about my fears. It's really kinda weird, I am not the least bit afraid of dying. I KNOW that this life is temporary and that when I take my last breath here, I will be walking streets of gold - surrounded by the glory of God! It's not that I think I'm going to die.... I am planning on surviving (but all this has definitely made me think) and praise God that I have confidence in the salvation that He has provided through my faith in Jesus Christ! My fears are for my husband and my children. I fear for the "pain" that they would have to endure at the loss of their wife/mom. I fear that they wouldn't remember how much I loved them. I fear that they would eat candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and watch movies all day long. I fear that they would never eat another fruit or vegetable and that they may go several days or even weeks without a bath or shower. I fear that nobody would be able to find the scotch tape, extra toilet paper, or cinnamon. I fear that the pressure of raising 8 children by himself would be too much for Tom. I fear that Dakota would have to "grow up" too fast and carry the weight of being the "mommy". I fear that nothing will ever get organized and/or stay organized. I fear that my children will have to go to public school and/or daycare and be raised by a society of people that have no morals or values or convictions or fear of God! I fear that there will be nobody there to tell my dear husband that having the 2 year old on the roof isn't a good idea. I fear that Ezekiel will never get the chance to feel his mother's loving touch. I fear that nobody will remind them to brush their teeth or put on deodorant. I fear for my family and friends that don't know the Lord, that they won't have the comfort of knowing I am safe in the arms of Jesus.
These are just a few of the "fears" that have swirled around in my mind over the past couple of weeks. Some of them are enough to break me! Some of them are so silly - I'm learning that I really need to let some things go! However, ALL of them are known and understood by a God that's love is BIGGER and can easily handle each and every one of them! I was trying so hard NOT to think of these things, but the truth of the matter is - it is natural to have these kinds of fears. I would even venture to suggest that it is a really good thing for everyone to ponder life and death, because the truth is... all of us are going to die someday... and stand before God. What a comfort it is to KNOW that death is only the beginning of eternity!
The bottom line is... things may be hard for awhile... and chances are, while I'm in the hospital, the kids will eat candy and drink soda and watch movies all day and stay up late every night... but they will be OK! They will probably get away with a lot... and most likely enjoy every minute of it! When I get home, there will be some adjusting to do - some long days of recovery on my part - and back to "reality" for the family (flashcards, books, fruits and vegetables, and chores - I'm not really THAT bad)! God will use this time to draw us all closer together and to grow our faith like never before! He will speak His love over my fears AND theirs... and will strengthen us every step of the way. I KNOW this!!! He is already at work - showing His faithfulness - His provision - His hand of protection and guidance - and His peace! To God be the glory!
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
This is eternal life; that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. John 17:3
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